To TENS or not to TENS

TENS – or Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation, sounds like it could be some modern day equivalent of a medieval torture device of old.  It sounds like something Dr Evil would plug in before attaching to the heroes nipples in the hopes of having him (or her) reveal the secret formula or location of recipe for the best fried rice ever.  But….it isnt.


The lovely people at Fitgene sent me one of their u-Gym pro units to test.  This, I tell you now, is absolutely awesome, because the Wimp 2 Warrior training that I have been doing of late has seen me push, pull, throw, punch, kick, lean, dance (yes…dance), scream, shout, run, groan, sprint and stretch, much further than I have for many moons and my body has been sore.  Not just a little achey breakey (Billy Ray Cyrus reference #1), but that aching that, upon moving, will elicit the sort of tones normally reserved for scenes from the Walking Dead or the Exorcist and my wives massages (while amazing) were going to wear her out before making things better for me.

You’ve got mail

The package arrive and upon opening, I see a very professionally presented case which includes a number of sticky/non sticky pads, cords (2 lead and 4 lead), charge cable, TENS device, some instructions and a handy dandy case to store it all in while taking it from place to place in search of muscle exhausting activities.

Making sure it had the wollop I needed, I proceeded to plug it in to charge while I went about my everyday work duties, constantly looking at it with a longing, hoping it was ready to go so I could work on my muscles as soon as possible.


First things first, I’m the realest – I wanted to try this out easy at first, but also then to throw this mother into 12th gear, kick it up a notch and take it to the next level.  I went for the knee region as my first test. Low setting, it felt like I had a band of trained monkeys scratching at my thighs trying to search for lice to eat – tickled, but was more annoying than anything else.  Time to take it up a notch.

Ohhhhhhhh heck, someone has strapped me to a nuclear power plant or something because my leg muscles have bunched up and look uglier than double denim and man mullet (Billy Ray reference #2).  I feel like I have accidentally entered the Arnold Classic and someone has called me out to squat a weight resembling Optimus Prime after giving a solid nudge to a Halal Snack Pack (chips and meat for those who are uninitiated….it’s decadently delicious) with my quad muscles screaming at me “bro….do you even lift”?.  Basically, this little device has more kick in it that Jacki Chan, Jet Li, Tony Jaa and Hassam el Masri.

But wait….there’s more…

Alright….I might have gotten straight into the most hectic, crazy, beastmode setting I could find – and if pushing your muscles to the limit without actually getting out of a chair is your thing, then that setting is for you – but there are also gentler, more delightful options.  The relaxing massage was just that, relaxing…and a massage. It felt like some hot Swedish Massuese was rubbing my shoulders while wearing vibrating gloves (Tarn…as you are reading this, I was totally picturing you…I swear).  As you can see below, it looks as though I am sitting their making myself shrug constantly, like I can’t decide about something and keep saying “I don’t know” with my body, it’s all u-Gym baby.  Afterward, my shoulders felt loose and relaxed and less achey breakey than they had 15 minutes before hand.

Do…or do not. There is not try.

Either you use one of these or you don’t.  I’m going to continue with this ongoing experiment of applying electrical current to various parts of my body for relaxation purposes (get your minds out of the gutter), but other people might find the sensation disconcerting and weird.  Some may find it absolutely pleasurable, completely getting their rocks off and will begin searching for a greater fix and before you know it, they’re walking around with jumper leads and a car battery with the worst body tic you’ve ever seen.

Either way, I thought it was and is awesome – buy one today using NEHOFIV$ as the promo code and receive 5% off the retail price at



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